When the Holidays are Hard: Honoring Loss and Caring for Your Mental Health

A Blog by Mental Health Professional Abbie Lupelow

The Hidden Struggles of “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”

Welcome to the holidays! While this season is one of joy for many, it can also be a time of emotional strain and difficulty for others.

The holiday season is hard on mental health. The National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) completed a survey in 2021 that found 3 in 5 people feel like their mental health is negatively impacted by stress, depression, or grief during the holidays.

Stress during the holidays comes from unrealistic expectations, financial pressure, changes to routine, and social commitments. Stress can manifest as disrupted sleep, worrying, irritability, and restlessness. This stress can intensify feelings of depression and loneliness, which can then look like fatigue, loss of interest and pleasure in things, and feelings of worthlessness.

Grief Isn’t Linear: Emotions that Come and Go

And let’s not forget about grief during the holidays. Grief is a natural and necessary part of life. The definition of grief is the adjustment to loss, and loss is so many things. Loss is the death of a loved one. Loss is the reaction to the end of a relationship. Loss is losing valuable possessions, like a valued Christmas ornament or decoration. Loss is the breaking of special traditions or holiday traditions that are no longer celebrated. Loss is that feeling of “wrongness” or weirdness for celebrating without someone due to death, strained relationships, or distance. Loss is the absence of cheer when you know there were holiday seasons where you were happier. Loss is when the holidays did not go as you hoped or dreamed they would.

Grief is the body’s reaction and adjustment to loss. There is this idea of a linear process to grief, aka the five stages of grief. This is not accurate. Grief is everything, everywhere, all at once. Grief is unexpected and fluctuating bouts of anger, sadness, denial, exhaustion, confusion, acceptance, etc.

This season is supposed to be a time of cheer, but frankly, it’s so hard to cope with grief, sadness, or stress when all around you, people are singing about how it is “the most wonderful time of the year.” How do you handle so many ads and movies broadcasting family, togetherness, and happiness, if you’ve lost a loved one or feel all alone? What do you do with so many messages about everything being “merry and bright” when it feels like, and is quite literally, cold and dark?

Healthy Ways to Care for Your Mental Health

Know that these feelings are natural and human. There are healthy ways to cope with the holidays and, hopefully, make this time just a little more bearable. Healthy ways to cope include accepting your feelings, maintaining healthy habits, setting boundaries, and making time to connect with others.

When it comes to accepting your feelings, know that the holidays can bring up a range of emotions. Sometimes, you can experience seemingly contradictory feelings, like being happy and sad at the same time. Try your best to name and accept your feelings rather than judge them as wrong or right. It’s okay to feel happy. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel exhausted, annoyed, or angry. It’s okay to feel all of them at once. Give yourself compassion (you know that God does) and allow yourself to sit with whatever you’re feeling.

For almost all of us, the holidays can lead to a massive disruption in our day-to-day routine. But maintaining healthy habits, like getting enough sleep, exercising, drinking water, going to therapy, and going to church or bible studies, are critical for managing your mental health.

People like to be generous during the holidays, but that generosity doesn’t have to come at the expense of having healthy boundaries. If hosting an event or buying a super expensive gift is too stressful, it’s okay to say no. It is also okay to limit the time you spend with family or friends with whom you may have a complicated relationship. Note that I am not saying “do not be generous” with your time, money, and energy. By all means, enjoy the season of giving! But when you set healthy boundaries for yourself, you’re listening to the limits of your body. When you follow your limits, you are less likely to experience burnout, annoyance, or anger, and more likely to fully enjoy giving and spending time with others. Following our limits allows us to embody Christ so much better during the holiday season!

Lastly, make time to connect with others. Humans are social creatures. We need healthy relationships for our mental health to thrive. Make time for your important relationships and connect with yourself through self-care. You can even connect with loved ones who are no longer with you through family traditions, personal remembrance rituals, or prayer. 

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.” That is what the Blue Christmas service offers. A time and place to remember that the Lord is near, that it is okay to feel how you’re feeling about the holidays, and to feel connected with others and the Holy Spirit.

The Blue Christmas service will be on December 14th at 3:00 pm. All are welcome. I hope to see you there.